Are You Overwhelmed By Life?
I don’t know about you, but life seems to become more difficult to navigate just when I think that I should have it all together!
Finishing school, getting married, having kids, buying a house – those are all things I planned on and expected to have in my life…deaths in the family, losing half of our income & our home, dealing with health issues on an ongoing basis, struggling with depression, doubting God – those were all unplanned and unexpected events in my life.
I arrived at a point where I had never been before: distrusting God’s hand in my life.
Wondering, “Am I being punished for choices I have made or have I just been too naive to realize that this is real life?”
I’ve always been one to try to see the positive in everything. “God’s in control…He’s got a plan…He won’t give you any more than you can handle.” I believed those things to be true but had never been truly tested to the point that I might question them…Wow, was I in for a rude awakening. I thought my faith was rock-solid and then I began to see where my foundation was cracking under the pressure of it all.
I thought that I was doing so good, clinging to God through all of the tough times, going to church and women’s bible studies, spending time in prayer. Where did the disconnect happen? I’m still working on figuring it out…although it’s tough to sit and sift through those rough days of disappointment and sadness. Could it be that I had this notion that if I made good choices, trusted God with my life and family and did my best to honor Him that I would have a smooth life? Not that it would always be easy, but surely nothing more than I could handle?
For a time I think I subconsciously decided that I was better off taking my life into my own hands since God didn’t seem to care anymore. At least that’s how I felt. Have you ever felt like you stopped hearing from God? I did. It was like he was letting me figure it all out on my own. Like He had walked away for a while…
At that time I stopped doing all those things that I had done for years: reading my Bible, listening to Christian music, journaling…it was just too hard to believe and trust in what I was reading and listening to. They were just words. It kills me to say that, but that’s how I felt. I had allowed a wall to go up, which at the time I thought was to protect my heart from any more hurt…it turns out that wall kept my heart from connecting to God’s heart and from receiving true peace and joy from Him.
I’m still in the process of allowing God complete control over my life. It’s not easy to break down that wall of disappointment , anger and fear and to rebuild my trust in God as my ultimate provider and source of strength, peace and joy. But I am so thankful for his unwavering love for me. He relentlessly pursues me and beckons me back into a trusting relationship with Him.
This morning I read a devotional by Lysa TerKeurst entitled: “Will You Share Your Story?” The verse she shared was from Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Lysa talks about the fact that life is impossible to do on our own strength.
“God met every one of my arguments with scriptures about relying not on my own strength, but on His….”
“He untangled my need for approval with the challenge to live for an audience of One. He helped me to see where the voices of doubt were coming from and challenged me to consider the source. And, quite simply, He loved me over and over again.”
I LOVE that last line…
I know now that God was there during all of my difficulties, fear and anger. He heard my cries for help. I don’t understand why He allowed it all but I can see some of the bigger picture now…and I will choose each day to listen for His voice.